The nag, the critic, and the kvetcher

I’m a patient person. I wait for my 17-year-old daughter to realize that if she doesn’t clean her room she may succumb to a deadly fungus from forgotten Mexican take-out. Too bad she inherited my patience. She waits me out and I end up scolding: “Kirsten, you need to clean this upright now!”
Within fifteen minutes of this parental edict my energetic daughter is sound asleep. “Clean your room” equals “I’m exhausted.”

Last week I tried the Grandma Ryan approach. My grandmother lived with us for five years when I was little. Although she had only six years of elementary education, she was a brilliant coach. She said three things to me that that I remember clearly 40 years later. They are a part of me:
“You stand so tall, just like your mother.”
“You’re such a good girl. You take good care of your things.”
“You are such a handsome child.”
As a result of these early, repeated suggestions, I have great posture, keep my clothing and possessions in good repair, and go about life thinking I’m more attractive than I am.
I was thinking of Grandma Ryan last time I went into Kirsten’s room, stepping on clothing, retrieving cups half-full of mystery beverage, and trying not to breathe too deeply. In lieu of a parental diatribe, I tried: “Kirsten, you are such an organized person. This must really bother you. Can I help get you started cleaning this up?” Kirsten looked around and replied, “No, I’ve got it.” She proceeded to clean her room from 9 to 11 pm with energy and purpose. The result was spectacular. Not only was everything in place, but necklaces were arranged by length and color, clothes drawers organized, and desktop supplies at right angles. All this accomplished with neither nap nor lethargy. What a difference being positive makes. It is energizing to focus on your strengths.

Who are the powerful voices in your head? What are the words from the past that define you? What do you say to yourself on a regular basis? Is it “I’m so lazy”? “I should not have eaten that ice cream”? “I can’t run”? “I don’t deserve to take time for myself”?
Do the voices give you confidence or make you feel less capable? Do they give you energy and a sense of purpose, or do they inspire you to take a nap, sit on the couch, and drown them out with ice cream?
When you understand something called the “constructionist principle” from the field of behavioral change research, you’ll see how much those voices matter. The principle says, “Words create worlds.” What we say and what we think becomes our reality. To find positive energy you must be mindful of what you’re thinking, what you’re saying to yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts. If they’re negative, acknowledge them and let them go. Stop judging yourself so harshly. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Would you call your friend lazy if she skips her walk? You’d probably instead remind her that she was in yoga class two times last week. You would applaud her successes and help her strategize around her obstacles.

To find the energy to exercise you must celebrate your successes. When you find yourself focusing on what you did not do, let that thought go. Move forward and focus on what you did do, what you want to do, and what you are confident you will do. Success builds success.
Try this. Listen to your thoughts, and when you are tempted to think or speak negatively, mentally clap your hand across your mouth. “I’m so tired that I can’t take a walk.” “I will never lose this extra body fat!” These thoughts and phrases drain your energy, hold you back, and make every effort Herculean. It doesn’t have to be so hard. Remember that words create worlds. Don’t say or think anything that you don’t want to be true.
Let me know when you start to find your energy. It won’t take long.